When someone mentions boundaries, we tend to immediately think of the way in which we relate to others. These may be our friends, relatives, co-workers and other people we encounter. It very often doesn’t cross our minds that we can create, and effectively maintain, barriers in our own mind. These are often unhelpful and relate to thoughts and beliefs that are not true.
For example, a client tells me they are afraid to drive their car. The words they use are “I can’t drive it” – they may not have driven for years, or only drive on certain roads, or limit their driving to specific routes. Anything else is met with an “I can’t response”.
Or another says that they are unable to go out and socialise with others – “I just can’t” – and so they limit their lives and remain at home and cut off from socially.
What they have effectively done is created a boundary in their own mind; they have told themselves that it is not possible for them to do this thing. Very often the boundary, or barrier, is the result of the sub-conscious mind protecting them from something that feels too hard, too scary or too frightening.
Yet the reality is that they can do this thing, they are simply choosing not too. The client can drive the car – they know how and are physically able, they may even drive on some roads, so it is not the driving itself that is the problem. The client who fears social situations, is able to go out and socialise as they leave the house for medical appointments and food shopping.
The truth is that their lack of action, in both instances, results from an “I won’t” – a choice not to, rather that it being impossible for them to do so. They have created a barrier to their action, both in their thinking and in their word choice. The “I can’t” really means; it’s overwhelming, I’m scared, it’s not safe, I don’t know where to start…. and many more messages that limit choices and actions.
Now these barriers may have seemed to serve them at some time – it kept them safe or decreased anxiety. But the internalising of the “I can’t” barrier has resulted in them believing they are unable to do the thing, rather than accepting it is a choice – it is an ”I won’t” instead.
It becomes a form of self-hypnosis – if you tell yourself “I can’t” often enough, you will believe it and internalise it. It becomes self-fulfilling and no longer feels like a choice at all.
So, the first step to tacking internal boundaries, is to recognise that they are probably not an “I can’t”, but an “I won’t” and this immediately gives you back control – it means you have a choice in whether to continue to maintain this barrier or not. Once you realise you have a choice, you can decide to do something different from before – you can change where the boundary is in your mind and how it works. This may not be easy and you may need help to overcome the old problematic behaviour patterns, BUT you have the control to make those changes if you desire.
You may have read this blog and recognised that you have an “I can’t” belief that plays out in your life. Believe me, you are not alone – but it you can choose to change those “I won’t” barriers.
Hypnotherapy can help – it can move you out of the self-hypnotic trance of the thought patterns that keep you stuck and create new beliefs and behaviours. I use hypnotherapy as my go to method to help clients change habits and then, once the initial limiting boundaries are removed, my role as life coach is to help you to envisage your new life, free of those barriers and how you can now make different decisions due to the freedom from the “I can’t” thoughts.
So, when you hear yourself use the words “I can’t”, stop and think – is it really an “I won’t” and is it still helpful to you?
If you would like to chat to me about how to move forward in your life and step into the future with confidence and optimism, you can drop me a message using the form below, or you can email me at alison@alisongifford.com.
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