“No” is a complete sentence

Does that idea leave you feeling a bit uncomfortable or wobbly?

You might need to do some work on your boundaries!

How many of the points below feel like you?

• • If you go to say no, do you always feel that you have to add an excuse or reason on the end?

• • Do you sometimes say yes to something, when inside you are screaming “No, I don’t want to?”

• • Or put yourself out to do something for someone else even when it will make your life so much more difficult?

• • Perhaps you like to be completely self sufficient and not ask others for help, when you are actually exhausted and teetering on the edge of burnout?

If you’ve said yes to the any of the above, then you are having issues with creating and maintaining your Boundaries. Most of us do, in one or more areas of our lives. This can cause us a lot of issues, from resentment and bitterness to anxiety and exhaustion.

Boundaries enable us to manage our energy, time and focus, to ensure we are looking after ourselves as well as everyone else. We often learn our poor boundaries from those around us when we are younger and then replicate them in our own lives. So if your Mum was the person who helped everyone in the community when they needed it, disregarding her own needs, then it is likely you will feel compelled to do the same in your own life. If your Dad would spend his evenings playing taxi service to you, your siblings and all your friends, even when others were offering, and was always the one who didn’t drink if he went out with friends, then this may be something you feel that you need to do too.

The best way to find out what boundaries you are not honouring in your own life, is to really listen to your feelings, or inner voice, when you are asked to do something, or when you are feeling overloaded. If your feelings are of bitterness, resentful and discontent, and your inner voice is saying things like “Why is it always me?”, “When will someone else do their share?” etc, then you are not respecting your boundaries.

It’s easy to tell yourself you will say no next time and then you don’t because it feels mean, selfish or unreasonable. Or you try to say no, and find yourself making an excuse as to why you can’t, or not looking the person in the face in case they look upset?

The truth is that you will have better relationships and will be fully and happily involved in the activities you do, if they are the ones you really want to do and not those that you feel obliged to participate in. You will be happier and those around you will see the difference.

There’s lots of work to do to create and maintain boundaries that we haven’t had in place previously, but the first step is to notice those feelings, or inner comments, when you are asked to do something, or are feeling you need help but don’t want to ask.

Try and take note over the next week of these responses you have, without judging yourself – get back in touch with your feelings and then you can take the next step to help you respect your own energy and needs.

Using “No” as a complete sentence should be possible, and non-icky if you are comfortable with the boundaries you have in place.

If you recognise you need help with developing and maintaining healthy boundaries, then get in touch and we can chat about how I can help you